Neurodivergence vs Neurodivergence

So, you’ve got a diagnosis. Or maybe you don’t.
Maybe you just suspect that neurodivergence runs in your family. After all, if you suspect your children are neurodivergent, there’s a strong chance that one, or even both, parents are too.

A neurodivergent parent alongside a neurodivergent child can create a challenging family dynamic.
And the devastating truth is this: neurodivergence vs. neurodivergence can tear families apart.

We’ve felt it in our own home.
We’ve seen it time and time again in our work.

ASD vs. ASD can feel like the clash of the titans, one rigid thought pitted against another.
Neither side will budge.
Compromise? Grey area? It doesn’t even register.

To an outsider, the trigger might seem ridiculous,  a minor change in routine, an object moved, a “rule” slightly bent.
But inside a neurodivergent system, these things matter.

ADHD vs. ADHD might look different.
Explosions seem to come out of nowhere.
It’s two nervous systems bouncing off each other with no brakes.
Impulsivity meets impulsivity.
Emotional reactivity amplified.
A room filled with chaos, messy, loud, and charged with a tidal wave of misunderstood emotion.
No one knows how to slow it down or back away.

These patterns can trap families in endless loops of conflict.
Similar brains stuck in familiar ruts.
Wearing each other down, day after day.

So, what do you do?

Well, here’s what I've learnt from lived experience and from walking alongside many others on the same path:

In the moment, I ask myself these 4 questions:

1. Choose – Is this even my battle?
   Before I jump in, I pause.
   Is this mine to fix or fight?
   Or am I just adding fuel to a fire I didn’t start?
2. How can I reframe this?
   Watching it unfold can be really hard, but can I see it differently? Two ASD brains might be battling to feel safe. There is comfort and safety in rules, in a rigid belief system. With two ADHD brains, it’s different. Safety might come from holding on to vital autonomy. If you plant a rule on me, you’re positioning yourself above me, and that triggers a feeling of being unsafe. Both scenarios will activate the body’s stress response, which is why we try to understand behaviour through a biological lens.

3. What’s the story I’m telling myself?
   Am I catastrophising this?
   Am I assuming this conflict means something it doesn’t  that it will always be this way?
4. Where are my tribe?
   I’m lucky, my sister has faced very similar family issues. But when it looks like everyone else is “nailing” family life, it’s hard.
   We work with a multitude of parents facing these issues daily. I’m not sure their lives are any different, they’re just brave enough to be honest.

When I can stick to these four questions, things often blow over more quickly.
Nobody holds onto it.
The storm passes.

I won’t lie,  I don’t always manage this, but I have a framework and I practise it. 

Then there’s the ongoing work — the stuff I don’t do in the heat of the moment, but every day:

• Keeping my body regulated.
• Creating bandwidth.
• Building resilience before the storm hits.

For me, this is non-negotiable.
Not a “nice to have” it’s an absolute lifesaver.

Here’s what that looks like in my world:

• A dog walk in the morning
• A cold plunge
• An infrared sauna
• Red light therapy
• Talking to a bestie

These tools help me return to regulation more quickly.
They help me show up in the chaos with a bit more clarity.

They remind me that while I can’t control what’s happening around me, I can support my own emotional regulation through it. I can’t control anyone else’s emotions - I can only work on my own.

If you’re ready to work on your own emotional regulation, we’ve created Regulate, our short, accessible mini-course to get you started - Click Here for more information.