If it was a broken bone, we'd have a plan

My mum fell again last weekend.

She falls a lot now, but this one looked bad. Suspected broken hip. The care home said she needed an X-ray before they could keep caring for her, and I understood why. They couldn't look after her without knowing what was going on in her body.

So she went to A&E in an ambulance.

We avoid hospital with Mum at all costs. She won't come off the dementia floor any more because she's so confused about where she is. Her room is her only safe space. Taking her out of it was a heavy decision and a very distressing day.

In the hospital I felt desperate. Her physical pain was being managed. But as always, it was her emotional pain that was causing her the most distress, and nobody had a plan for that. She can't tell us what she's going through. Her experience of the world must be terrifying.

There was no fracture. By the time she got back she was totally delirious. She's back in her room now, but it's brutal.

What struck me

The moment there was a possible physical injury, the path was clear. Assess, plan, act. Nobody asked whether we were sure. Nobody suggested waiting to see how it went. The plan wasn't just offered, it was insisted on.

Everyone knows Mum has dementia. Her brain has been deteriorating at a rate of knots for a long time, and depending on where it spreads, it takes different things. But nobody reassesses that. Nobody ever says, her brain has changed, she needs a new plan. Nothing forces anyone to stop and act.

As mums, we know that path

With our children it's often harder, because nobody else can see anything at all.

You notice. Usually long before anyone else. The change in how they talk about school. The rituals that take a bit longer each night. The foods dropping off the list. And like my mum, they often can't tell you what's going on inside.

But you can't see it, not the way you'd see a broken bone. So you doubt. Am I overreacting? Is it a phase? Is it me?

So you wait. For a diagnosis, for a teacher to agree, for a professional to tell you it's real.

And while you wait, you manage. You hold the mornings together, negotiate the dinner table, take the meltdown at the front door. For months. Sometimes years.

Nobody offers you a plan, never mind insists on one. More often you hear "let's see how it goes", "she's fine in school" or "he just needs a push".

Why it happens

With a bone, there's no debate. Nobody thinks you chose to break it, and nobody expects you to walk it off.

With the brain, all anyone sees is behaviour. And underneath sits an old belief that thoughts and feelings are under our control. So if a child can't get into school, can't stop checking, or won't eat, the assumption is they could if they tried harder. Or that we could fix it if we were firmer.

But a lot of what drives behaviour isn't a choice in the moment. When a child feels under threat, their stress response fires before the thinking part of the brain has had a say. Their heart rate goes up, stress hormones flood in, and the part that plans and reasons goes quiet. That's physical. You could measure it.

And most of the children we work with, and most of their mums, have sensitive biology. Research by Professor Michael Pluess and colleagues suggests around 30% of children are highly sensitive to their environment. They feel more, notice more and react more strongly to stress. But the same research shows they also respond more to support. The sensitivity that floors them in a hard environment helps them do better than anyone in a good one.

That doesn't mean nothing can change. It can. You can't think your way out of a stress response in the moment, any more than you can think a hip better. But you can train it over time, the way physio rebuilds a hip: with a plan, support and practice. That goes for our children, and it goes for us.

What I question

I question why a hip gets physio and a brain gets "pull yourself together". Whether it's my mum's dementia or your child's anxiety, the brain is part of the body, and emotional pain is real pain. It deserves a plan as much as a hip does.

What changes

My mum's plan was insisted on by other people. For your child, nobody is going to insist. So you have to lead the change.

That's what we watch mums do every week. They stop waiting for permission and trust what they're seeing. And they start with themselves, because a child's stress response settles faster next to a steady adult. They learn what happens in their own body when the meltdown starts, and they practise a different response, week after week, until it becomes the normal one.

That's the heart of The Leadership Method. If you're ready to start leading the change at home, there are a few ways to join us. You can start with the Self Led course in your own time, or join us live in the Coaching Edition.