My teen won't listen. What do I do?

Every week we receive similar messages from our community:

"I am wondering if you have any advice about dealing with a teen who won't listen, whose behaviour is problematic and who I think is making poor choices."

And what follows is always the same. A desire to get into the nitty gritty of what was said and done. Attaching meaning to choices and conversations. An ever-increasing feeling of hostility between parent and child.

I want to answer this question properly.

But the answer isn't straightforward. And it certainly doesn't rely on the details of the specific incidents.

To do this justice I am going to use the framework inside The Leadership Method.

Because this is exactly why we built it.

From personal and professional experience of exactly this type of issue. And a realisation that cracking down on behaviour, enforcing punishments, fixing and controlling our teens totally backfired.

Not just didn't work.

Backfired.

Understanding the science of behaviour.

It's the part we can see. The output. The attitude, the refusal, the choice that makes no sense.

But behaviour is driven by thoughts, feelings and the body's stress response. When we chase the behaviour we are at the very end of a very long chain. Start there and you will go round in circles. Every time.

Recognising our thoughts

Our own thoughts are actually shaping our teens behaviour.

If we have already created a negative narrative about a situation it creates stress within our own system. And our children can read that. Before we open our mouths. Before a word has been spoken we bring a negative energy and your teen responds directly to that.

What story are you already telling yourself about your teens behaviour?

Understanding our own default patterns

Your unconscious is driving your response to your teen more than you realise.

You are potentially falling into cycles that played out when you were younger. Because often our most challenging child is a mirror. They reflect back every painful event, every uncomfortable feeling you felt, as if it were yesterday.

Unless you recognise what belongs to you and not to them, you create a generational cycle. Never moving forward because the mirror is too painful to look into.

Connecting before communicating

This one is massive with teens.

If your child is not listening, they are not in a place to follow your lead. Children are wired to move towards the adults they feel connected to. The foundations of your relationship rest on this.

When connection is present your child can hear you. When connection is strained, cooperation falls apart — because their system isn't organised around you as their main point of reference. Children follow the lead of an adult they feel safe with.

That means holding our own triggers. Recognising what comes up in us that makes us react to words and behaviour. Rather than asking how do I get them to listen, we need to ask how do I strengthen connection.

That is a completely different question. And it gets completely different results.

Physically reducing our own stress response 

This is a physical process.

De-escalating stress in the body is the fastest, most effective way to defuse an emotion and stay regulated. Your lifestyle role models to your children. And it keeps you on the straight and narrow so that your children can borrow your regulated state.

Your child can literally borrow your calm.

But only if you have it.

Practising daily

Practice moves you forward. Not knowledge.

It's never a learn-it-and-move-on. Children change and adapt and we need to constantly move with them. Being aware of ourselves along the way. Learning about yourself is possibly the most effective way to foster the best relationship possible with your children.

The answer to the question isn't in the detail of what your teen said or did. And there certainly isn't a quick fix.

But the answer will be in here. All six of these pieces, worked through together, in order.

This is exactly what we do inside The Leadership Method. If you want to stop going round in circles and start seeing this differently, we would love to have you with us for our next Coaching Edition - starts after Easter.