How do I connect when it feels impossible?

Does connection sometimes feel  impossible? We’re told as parents that connection is everything: “Connect before you correct,” “Keep the relationship strong,” “Family dinners are sacred.” These messages are well-intentioned, grounded in research that shows healthy relationships are protective for our children’s mental health and resilience. But what if our idea of connection is… a little narrow?

I grew up believing that “real” connection meant talking, heart-to-hearts, or sharing meals around a table. But as my children grew, especially my autistic child, I realised that connection doesn’t always look like a scene from a family movie. Sometimes, it’s sitting together in companionable silence, watching TV side by side, or simply choosing what to have for dinner, even if we eat separately. These micro-moments matter. Science backs this up: research into attachment and social neuroscience shows that shared presence, even without words, can foster feelings of safety and belonging.

Recently, my perspective deepened further. My mum now lives in a dementia care home. Watching her and her fellow residents, whom she affectionately calls “inmates”, I see connection in an entirely new light. Their conversations can be at complete cross-purposes, sometimes nonsensical to an outside observer. Yet, there is comfort, and relationship in these exchanges. Who are we to judge what connection “should” look like? 

So, maybe it’s time we let go of the idea that connection has to look a certain way. Let’s notice and appreciate the quiet, imperfect, often unconventional ways we show up for each other. A shared glance. A mismatched conversation. A familiar presence in the room.

The Emotions Lab Team