Are your child’s emotions contagious?!

One of the things that has been the hardest for me to learn as a parent is to stay in control of my own emotions as my child loses control of theirs. Most of the adults I work with report the same struggle to stay in their own lane!
So why is it that when someone derails emotionally next to us, we go down with the ship? Just like a virus, emotions leap from one person to another.
Picture this: you wake up to a sunlit morning, brimming with excitement for the day ahead. You cheerfully enter your 14-year-old daughter’s room, only to be met with a harsh “go away,” her negativity washing over you like a cold wave. Deflated, you retreat, your bright mood fading fast.

Or consider the moment you eagerly await your 10-year-old son after school, only to be confronted by an anxious outburst. He cries, overwhelmed by a struggle with a friend, and suddenly, the calm joy you felt disintegrates, replaced by a surge of your own anxiety. It's bewildering how quickly joy can change—all in the blink of an eye.

As a species, we are innately vulnerable to ‘catching’ another person’s emotions.

This can leave us open to problems in relationships and in our own health. Ideally, what we want is to have empathy for others' emotional states but not to be infected by them. If we stay in touch with our own emotions, not only can we be more helpful to others, but we also create agency over our own experience of the world. I don’t know about you, but I would rather choose how I feel than have someone else (especially a teenager!) choose it for me.
So where to start?

1. Acknowledge Your Own Emotions: Understanding your emotional state helps create a buffer against the emotional shifts of others. Regular check-ins with yourself can enable better emotional regulation. As I write this, I feel relaxed, interested, slightly agitated by my kids’ jangly phones, and hungry. Lots of different things and certainly not the standard ‘okay’ that most of us use when asked how we feel! 
2. Curiosity Over Reactivity: When faced with a child's emotional outburst, approaching the situation with curiosity rather than reactivity is hard but will help. This can transform a potentially volatile situation. Here, we have to learn to drop our own agenda and try to truly understand the other’s perspective. 
3. Cognitive, Not Emotional Responses: Often, we use our emotions to communicate. Instead, we are better off using our words to state our needs and wants clearly. The way to know the difference is to imagine if the way you are responding would go over well in your place of work or at dinner with friends! This can help you articulate your thoughts without letting emotions take over.

The journey of emotional learning, while challenging, is fundamental to fostering healthier relationships and personal well-being. Taking the time to cultivate these skills not only benefits you but sets a powerful example for your children on how to manage their own emotions effectively. Keep practicing, and remember that progress is often gradual!

The Emotions Lab