A top strategy to help calm an anxious child.

As anxiety can kick off the automatic nervous system the autonomic nervous system of a child (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) anxiety can present in many different guises. Anger (fight) refusing to engage (flight) overly compliant (freeze) or people pleasing (fawn) Or a combination of all!

As teachers and parents, when our children’s stress response kicks off it’s often hard to reach them and even if they look like they are listening, this is unlikely to be the case as chemical changes in their bodies will have changed the way they are processing information.

At this point in time, we might notice limited success if we try and talk or rationalise the situation. We’ve all been there (well I certainly have) trying to insert rational thought as my child gets increasingly irate. ‘Come on it’s not that bad’ or ‘ you’re just overreacting.’

We might also look to focus on the child’s behaviour and speak to that. ‘Why are you so angry,’ or, ‘ stop walking away from me.’ If you have tried this, you will know it has limited success as the child is not able to rationally answer the question. We are highly unlikely to hear, ‘ hmm let me think about it, I’m feeling angry as my friends didn’t talk to me today!’

Anxiety is contagious and as the child refuses to take our help and advice we start to feel their anxiety too.

Here is where we can make a difference. Instead of focusing on the child, their emotions and behaviour, I try and turn around and face myself. What emotions am I carrying? What judgement am I bringing? How much anxiety do I have over this situation? The chances are a lot is going on in me and it’s likely I am bringing that energy to the interaction. I might also be in a state of fight, flight, freeze or fawn!

If this is the case, there is good news! We have control over our own emotional responses (it might seem like we don’t sometimes!) And if we change how we approach the interaction this will have an impact on the child.

If you are looking for a place to start, when you are in a difficult interaction with a child at home or at school notice what is happening in your own body. Has your heart rate increased, your voice changed, have you gone into people pleasing mode? Just noticing this will have a profound effect on your body. Then instead of focusing on the child, their emotions, and stories, focus on yourself and how you can bring calm to your own body.

The Emotions Lab